I wasn’t going to write about the recent tragedies of Manchester, my head still feels fuzzy just like the majority of the country and the world. But I just wanted to share how i’m feeling and whats going on in my head right now. In all the sadness, through all the salted stained faces and all the grieving families – there IS still so much good to be had. Yeah, this world is fucked up. It really is. But there is still so much joy to come, so many memories to be made and as much as my heart is breaking for everyone, I just can’t focus on all the negative news thats taking over every screen and radio right now.
I chose not to talk to my 3 about it. I chose not sit them down and tell them about what an awful society I have brought them into. I chose not to get upset in front of them, I chose not to frighten their little innocent minds. Maybe this is the naive way of parenting, and if so then thats fine, i’m happy to live this way. I couldn’t bear to tell them that children, of whom are the same age, have been taken away from their families. I couldn’t bring myself to tell them that at any moment, no matter where we are, this could happen to us too.
So we will carry on our daily routines, we will still smile and laugh with each other. We will still crack jokes at the dinner table and talk about our day. We will laugh a bit harder than normal, we’ll tell just one more joke, we’ll read one more book. I’ll take them to the park when all I want to do is collapse on the sofa and we’ll get the paints out after I have cleaned the entire house. We’ll be so very grateful for the fact we are still here, living and breathing, and we are healthy. I’ll just be holding them tighter and for so much longer, i’ll be telling them I love them one more time and I’ll have a heavy heart when I kiss them goodnight.
I am so incredibly grateful for these three in such a desperate and mournful catastrophe.
April has been busy, exhausting, fun and exciting. I have laughed more than I thought imaginable, cried more than I thought possible. I have been on 2 weekends away, both equally awesome in their own ways. I have celebrated turning 27 with a whole heap of new friends, I have missed the kids so much, I have wanted to shout at them a lot.
I went to see my wonderful friend Charlie from Farlie Photography at the beginning of the month and so of course, I had to rope in a favour and she took our pictures for the month. I love them so much, some of my favourites to date – so THANK YOU Charlie!
I can’t bloody wait to head into May. More travels, birthday celebrations and COME ON SUN!! WE NEED YOU SO BAD NOW!!
Do go check out the other wonderful co hosts and have a nosey at their photos too. Lucy, Alex, Katie, Fritha, Jenny and Lucy.
Every year I assume this will get easier yet it never does. I guess as time goes on you get used to it more, it becomes more bearable day to day but then every so often it slams you in the chest like a bag of steel and the realisation you will grieve forever becomes more real than surreal. You live in this little bubble of trying to not think about it, trying to avoid the pain and the hurt and the anger. My god, the anger. The bubble pops every now and again. It used to be more frequent than it is now, but it feels like the bubble is bigger now, so the pop has more of an impact. It hurts more now, as the days turn into months and then into years and you imagine how you would be living your life if it didn’t happen. You wonder how they’d look, if they still laughed the same and if they’d smell differently. You wonder if they knew how much we loved them, if they knew we would do absolutely anything and everything for them. Did we tell them enough, show them we cared?
You’re one less seat at the table, one less laughter to hear, one less drink to buy on a round at the pub, one less hug, one less late night phone call. You think to yourself what would I give to have one last chat. What price is there to pay. What would I even say? Every year that passes we’re one year less of you. Missing you, craving your presence.
10 years of not having a sister to love and laugh with, cry and argue with, share tales and tribulations with. 10 years of life we’ve all missed out on with her. 10 years of missed memories. No matter how positive I try to be, I just can’t be. I can’t feel anything positive about any of this. I’m not sure I will ever feel content about it, I think it will forever zap the life out of me whenever I think or talk about it. I take a heavy breath and my entire body flops, will that ever change? I don’t think it will.
April is really fucking hard. For all of us. The time of year when the flowers start to appear, lambs are bounding through the fields and the sun shines. Ironic really, watching all his new life form year in and year out and we’re grieving for a loss of life instead.
10 whole years. God I miss her so much. I hope she knows. I hope she can see we’re all trying so hard to live a fulfilled life just for her. I hope she can see how much we miss and adore her.
March has been full of birthday celebrations, planning the next few months exciting adventures and also some SUN!!
April is going to be our busiest month yet, I am away 3 out of the 4 weekends and also spending 5 days in Wales on a photography workshop retreat (which I am SO excited about I can’t even tell you.) It is also the Easter holidays so I have a feeling come May i’m going to need a spa day… 😉 I will be making short videos of some our days during the holidays so please do go and check out our little YouTube channel and subscribe if you’d like to keep up to date with what our weeks are looking like!
We’ve been loving having the sun grace our skin a bit more in March. The freckles are making an appearance and the windows have been swung open on more than one occasion. It feels like we have turned a corner and I know when I say this i’m speaking on behalf of 95% of the British population – Bring oooonn the Summer!!
Our Me and Mine photos this month were a struggle. Mainly because my newly 5 year old daughter was a complete misery. My sister in law and I decided we would take each others photos when we could as we all know having a tripod set up is a complete ballache so we took prime opportunity on Mother’s Day to take these. Alas, when a child doesn’t play ball there aint enough love nore money thats going to change her mind. Just check out that face on the 2nd picture. But thank you, Harri, for grabbing these 3 for us. I actually really love the first one of us all!
Can’t wait to flick through everyone elses this month, promise I will be commenting on much more from now as I have massively slacked so far! Do go check out the other wonderful co hosts and have a nosey at their photos too. Lucy, Alex, Katie, Fritha, Jenny and Lucy.
I kind of forget how much I have going on in my brain until I get slapped in the face with something I have forgotten to do, missed or just half heartedly done.
Today was/is one of those days and quite frankly I feel like shit about it. I forgot, again, to go to a show assembly at school. Just after Christmas I forgot Harvey’s and I turned up to his classroom and he was in floods of tears sobbing hysterically that I missed it. And there I was this morning, eating her birthday cake and just finished up a phone call with the Mother and my good friend asks if i’m okay – as I wasn’t at Elsie’s class assembly. I just imagined her little face looking around for me whilst she was sitting their proudly about to perform and yet she can’t see me. And my heart just sinks.
And then it hits me in the face, like a fucking tonne of bricks, that actually I do have way too much going on in my head and quite frankly I can’t keep up with all of this. I can’t remember everything, I can’t DO everything and I certainly can’t keep up with being the parent I always imagined I would be.
Over dramatic? Probably. But let me have my day of feeling like shit and feeling sorry for myself, ok?
Being a solo Mum really does have so many perks, like it REALLY does. I have become so much more relaxed and content in my surroundings. There is no pressure (not that I was ever made to feel like I should be doing anything specifically) and we can just.. be. But with it also comes the upheaval of morning routines on your own, and remembering all the trips, all the assemblies, all the packed lunches and all the bloody everything. And to be honest, my memory is shit, i’m not organised enough to do things the night before and I just don’t caaare about homework.
But also with being a solo Mum you have all the guilt and all the heartbreak, and it is a lot for one emotional Mother to take on let me tell you now. Of course, we have all this emotion when we are not going solo too – maybe not being able to offload at the end of the day is what is exhausting.
With all that out the way, we’ll end on a happy note. Birthday pancakes are totally a thing in our house, and no birthday would ever be the same without them. So dairy free batter was whipped up before school yesterday and here are a few ‘day in the life of’ snaps of the birthday girl.
5 years ago you entered this world with speed and determination, nothing was going to keep you from making a fast entrance into our lives and I guess I should have realised at that point how much you were going to change my life.
I am the first to admit I longed for a girl after having your two brothers. Of course, I absolutely adore them with everything I have but I was desperate to complete our unit with a small pink one. And here you are, gracing us with all your wonderfulness and I feel so incredibly lucky that the boys and me get to be in your presence on a daily basis.
You are creative, kind and so very caring. You love to laugh and to make others laugh too, you love to be the star of the show and by golly gosh do we know it. You enter each day with a positive outlook, you take care of others (mainly the boys… and me) whilst taking pride within yourself and you do it all with a fist pump and a “go get ’em” attitude.
Your approach to school is delightful and something to be proud of. You take on everything that is thrown at you and handle it with such dexterity. I couldn’t have asked for an easier transition into your first year as school child, thank you.
You have fight in your belly and determination in your bones, and I couldn’t be more proud of you. You are so incredibly beautiful, to the point I do wonder if they swapped you at birth because wow girl, you are going to break some hearts. You are captivating and motivating and inspiring.
I love you with every ounce of my heart that is meant for you, I can’t wait to watch you grow and flourish. You are just the most perfect little 5 year old we could ever know, don’t ever stop being you.
Happy Birthday Darling,