I wasn’t going to write about the recent tragedies of Manchester, my head still feels fuzzy just like the majority of the country and the world. But I just wanted to share how i’m feeling and whats going on in my head right now. In all the sadness, through all the salted stained faces and all the grieving families – there IS still so much good to be had. Yeah, this world is fucked up. It really is. But there is still so much joy to come, so many memories to be made and as much as my heart is breaking for everyone, I just can’t focus on all the negative news thats taking over every screen and radio right now.
I chose not to talk to my 3 about it. I chose not sit them down and tell them about what an awful society I have brought them into. I chose not to get upset in front of them, I chose not to frighten their little innocent minds. Maybe this is the naive way of parenting, and if so then thats fine, i’m happy to live this way. I couldn’t bear to tell them that children, of whom are the same age, have been taken away from their families. I couldn’t bring myself to tell them that at any moment, no matter where we are, this could happen to us too.
So we will carry on our daily routines, we will still smile and laugh with each other. We will still crack jokes at the dinner table and talk about our day. We will laugh a bit harder than normal, we’ll tell just one more joke, we’ll read one more book. I’ll take them to the park when all I want to do is collapse on the sofa and we’ll get the paints out after I have cleaned the entire house. We’ll be so very grateful for the fact we are still here, living and breathing, and we are healthy. I’ll just be holding them tighter and for so much longer, i’ll be telling them I love them one more time and I’ll have a heavy heart when I kiss them goodnight.
I am so incredibly grateful for these three in such a desperate and mournful catastrophe.
I kind of forget how much I have going on in my brain until I get slapped in the face with something I have forgotten to do, missed or just half heartedly done.
Today was/is one of those days and quite frankly I feel like shit about it. I forgot, again, to go to a show assembly at school. Just after Christmas I forgot Harvey’s and I turned up to his classroom and he was in floods of tears sobbing hysterically that I missed it. And there I was this morning, eating her birthday cake and just finished up a phone call with the Mother and my good friend asks if i’m okay – as I wasn’t at Elsie’s class assembly. I just imagined her little face looking around for me whilst she was sitting their proudly about to perform and yet she can’t see me. And my heart just sinks.
And then it hits me in the face, like a fucking tonne of bricks, that actually I do have way too much going on in my head and quite frankly I can’t keep up with all of this. I can’t remember everything, I can’t DO everything and I certainly can’t keep up with being the parent I always imagined I would be.
Over dramatic? Probably. But let me have my day of feeling like shit and feeling sorry for myself, ok?
Being a solo Mum really does have so many perks, like it REALLY does. I have become so much more relaxed and content in my surroundings. There is no pressure (not that I was ever made to feel like I should be doing anything specifically) and we can just.. be. But with it also comes the upheaval of morning routines on your own, and remembering all the trips, all the assemblies, all the packed lunches and all the bloody everything. And to be honest, my memory is shit, i’m not organised enough to do things the night before and I just don’t caaare about homework.
But also with being a solo Mum you have all the guilt and all the heartbreak, and it is a lot for one emotional Mother to take on let me tell you now. Of course, we have all this emotion when we are not going solo too – maybe not being able to offload at the end of the day is what is exhausting.
With all that out the way, we’ll end on a happy note. Birthday pancakes are totally a thing in our house, and no birthday would ever be the same without them. So dairy free batter was whipped up before school yesterday and here are a few ‘day in the life of’ snaps of the birthday girl.
Autumn is all very well and good when you have days like these. Days where the sun is still warm on your skin and the air isn’t bitter. When you can still feel your fingers and your hair doesn’t go instantly frizzy with the dampness that autumn/winter brings. Days when you don’t even really need a coat and days where everyone you pass is just happy because for just a moment we are still holding on to that Summer feeling.
Nothing beats spending a Saturday morning in your PJs and pottering about the house and finishing it off with a stroll with some of your best people. So that is exactly what we did! We took full advantage of this happy day and went for a stroll in a village nearby. This village has a lot of sentimental value to me, not only did I spend a lot of my teen years here but it is also where my Husband grew up and where my in laws still live, and now so does my brother and his family. So we know quite a few of the footpaths and because it is such a small village (population wise..) you don’t often see a passer by and your views are filled with rolling fields and orchards instead of houses and towns. Perfect!
I can see from my instagram feed that everyone elses children are equally obsessed with collecting conkers this week, ohh we have conkers in abundance! Tubs filled (that may get thrown out VERY soon.) with conkers, acorns and chestnuts that sit around doing nothing, serving no purpose to the rest of our days, but for that hour of walking they entertain 4 small humans and stop the moaning or the bickering. So thank you pointless conkers and chestnuts, you have served your purpose.
I hope you have had a lovely Autumn walk this week too! I think these warm days are few and far between now, bring on the bobble hat season!
Norfolk always feels like our little home from home. From the South coast to the East coast. From countryside walks to big skies, and from one cup of tea to another, it is just our little spot of wonderful feelings.
We used to live next door to my grandparents when Joe and I first got together and whilst I got to know him, so did they. And they fast saw what I see in him too and not only do we all share a love for the outdoors, we have a good old chinwag and laugh along the way. Nothing beats a long overdue catch up over a warm cup of tea and a slice of (dairy free…) chocolate cake and that’s exactly what we did, more than once.
I can’t stand gushy parents but HECK I am going to gush to my hearts content right now because my kids are AMAZING. Well, they were this weekend anyway and I am going to lap that shit up and tell the whole world! We didn’t hear a single moan from them for an entire 3 days and whilst that is so unheard of in our household, it was so so appreciated and we drove home feeling very proud (and smug.) of them. It makes all the effort you put in so worthwhile, and being complimented more than once by family and strangers on how well behaved they were is just music to my ears!
So, Harvey, Oliver and Elsie, THANK YOU. For being absolutely ruddy wonderful.
We walked, we laughed, we sang and we ate. We visited a pier, saw a few fish being caught, watched a couple of surfers attempt a wave (and fail) and best of all we chilled out and completely relaxed. As you may have read in a previous post we have had a pretty stressful couple of months (being self employed is definitely not all singing all dancing. It is mainly all stressing all crying.) and this weekend away in Norfolk definitely perked us all up.
I’ll stop rambling… Here are many snaps.
“And the award for worst blogger in the world goes tooooooo….. CHARLOTTE!!”
Yeah. I AM really crap at blogging right now and although I have been super busy, I really miss it. All the things I want to write down don’t feel quite right when I start typing and I guess it is just a case of writers block.
I can’t deny that I have been in a huge rut with everything the past month. I haven’t really settled into life with no kids at home very well and I seem to be making excuses for everything, reasons why not to do things and reasons to do them too when I know I shouldn’t be.
So this is me letting go, taking a deep breath and telling myself it IS all going to be okay. And also a HUGE kick up the backside. I had all of these plans and goals for September and not a single one has been achieved and that is all about to change! I am done moping and stropping. I am done acting like a teenage hormonal idiot.
SOOOOO… Hello October! I will be happier, less boring and MUCH more productive! Promise.
Whilst I haven’t picked up my camera for personal use for over a month, we did go to our first bonfire night of the year and I did have time to take some snaps! And nobody does bonfire nights like our Sussex crowd! Consider it the start of a fresh month and a few weeks of exciting plans! We are off to Norfolk, we have a few more bonfire nights planned and I am itching to get some cheesey autumn snaps of us to make up for my lack of September Me and Mine photos.