If you didn’t see my first instalment then i’d love for you to have a look before reading this so you can see the basis of my inspiration when re decorating my bedroom. It’s all very… More
“And the award for worst blogger in the world goes tooooooo….. CHARLOTTE!!”
Yeah. I AM really crap at blogging right now and although I have been super busy, I really miss it. All the things I want to write down don’t feel quite right when I start typing and I guess it is just a case of writers block.
I can’t deny that I have been in a huge rut with everything the past month. I haven’t really settled into life with no kids at home very well and I seem to be making excuses for everything, reasons why not to do things and reasons to do them too when I know I shouldn’t be.
So this is me letting go, taking a deep breath and telling myself it IS all going to be okay. And also a HUGE kick up the backside. I had all of these plans and goals for September and not a single one has been achieved and that is all about to change! I am done moping and stropping. I am done acting like a teenage hormonal idiot.
SOOOOO… Hello October! I will be happier, less boring and MUCH more productive! Promise.
Whilst I haven’t picked up my camera for personal use for over a month, we did go to our first bonfire night of the year and I did have time to take some snaps! And nobody does bonfire nights like our Sussex crowd! Consider it the start of a fresh month and a few weeks of exciting plans! We are off to Norfolk, we have a few more bonfire nights planned and I am itching to get some cheesey autumn snaps of us to make up for my lack of September Me and Mine photos.
This week has been hard. I honestly thought i’d hold it together, suck it up and just deal with it all. But I haven’t. I was wrong. It’s been hard.
After Elsie’s first day at school I was feeling really positive and made a mental list of all the things I wanted to get on with, projects I wanted to start and blog posts I wanted to write. I had big plans, and big ideas they were. But as Friday came around and I had a taste of mornings on my own I started to plateau. I guess I didn’t consciously think ‘this sucks being on my own’ but my energy levels were at 0, I felt really bloody fed up and quite frankly done with the week. My skin had completely flared up and my eczema is at the worst its been in years and years. Saturday came and we had a lovely friends birthday party and when I got home I completely flaked out. I felt ill, achey and generally just drained!
Maybe its the start of school for them all, maybe i’m coming down with something – whatever it is I know that I need to kick it up the backside and pull myself together. I am no fun at the moment! So a bit of sea air was definitely called for this weekend and thats exactly where we headed.
We met family at Rye Harbour which is only about 20 minutes away for us. A huge flat walk way right down to the beach on the grounds of a beautiful nature reserve, it really is quite spectacular. As far as your eyes can see its countryside, birds flying all over the place and in front of you the glittering sea through the gaps. Its completely idyllic and every where you look it looks as though it should be made into a post card. I don’t know why we don’t go there more often, with a huge free car park and perfect for dogs and bike it is family Rawles paradise!!
Slap bang on the side of the path sits a black shack / shed type building with a red roof and white doors. Almost like it should be sitting in a Norwegian village and not nestled into the coastal paths of Rye, but wowsers does it look awesome! I couldn’t resist taking some snaps in front of it. Fully aware they are quite samey but camman!! It’s so cute.
Here’s to a more settled and happier week.
My Darling Elsie,
I know this feeling all too well. I have done it twice over before with your brothers but it feels different this time with you. I know whats coming, I know you will tell me things I don’t want to hear and I know you will have many downs as well as all the ups. I feel your excitement, I really do. But I haven’t shown you my sadness. I haven’t told you how upset I am feeling and have felt for the past year now as this time has approached.
Your first day of school.
You have been counting down the sleeps for the best part of 6 weeks now, you eagerly have been trying on your uniform. You have been telling anyone who will listen that you are indeed a big girl now and that in September you will be going to school. And here we are, in September, and your first day has arrived. You went to bed last night squealing with such excitement it was hard not to squeal with you. You clutched your Owly and mussie so tightly that for a split second you were my little baby laying there, just a few months old. So innocent and fresh, not knowing what stood before you and just happy living in the little bubble all babies live in.
I tucked you into bed and kissed your forehead, you asked if you could put your uniform on as soon as you woke up in the morning and of course I said yes. We hung your dress up on your wardrobe door handle and lay out your knickers and socks. We had a trial run after dinner and we took lots of photos, you held onto your book bag so tightly, you were so proud. I am so proud of you.
I pulled your door closed and ran a bath for myself. I sobbed and sobbed laying in there, because I knew what stood before me. Its not that I’m worried about you, I know you will love it and I know that you will thrive in the school environment. All you want to do is learn, be sociable and please everyone. School will be perfect for you and I know I can’t give you what they can. You are so ready for all that school has to offer you.
My tears were for myself. Tears of loneliness, tears of heart break and tears of feeling lost. Some may say I’m selfish, but it is all I have ever known, and loved. Since I became an adult at 18 I also became a Mother to your eldest brother, Harvey. You have all moulded me into the person I am today and I don’t know any other life than being at home with my 3 children. For over 8 years I have been a stay at home Mum, it is what I have lived solely for. You, and your brothers. I am lost without you all at home and so my salted tear stained face is for me and only me. Not only am I losing you to school, I am losing my life as I know it. I am losing my little partner in crime, my buddy.
Oh, my baby girl. You are going to have the best years of your life at our school. I’ll be here for all the ups and downs, i’ll be here when your friendships break and i’ll guide you to piece them back together. I’ll comfort you when your sobbing over your homework, and i’ll hold you when all you need is a cuddle from your Mum.
I can’t wait to watch you learn and grow, but please don’t do it too fast. There is only so much my heart can take right now.
All my love, forever and always,